Kudos for Rain

Here in the mitten state, rain has been pouring for the last 4 days. On and off but still pouring with a few symphonic drum rolls and light shows as well. And many have been complaining. So here are some reminders of why rainy days are great!

1.) Gene Kelly danced and sang in the rain.

2.) This morning I got asked, ‘Where is the sunny weather and warm temperatures?’ As this person walked by me, I pointed to my heart and responded, ‘In here.’ His tone brightened up as he said, ‘I like that!’

3.) April showers bring May flowers…green grass…buds back on the trees…worms to fish with…water to fill the Great Lakes…rainbows…and a new appreciation for sunny days.

4.) Gene Kelly not only sang and danced, he jumped in the puddles!!!

5.) Rain does not accumulate like snow.

and

6.) the car gets a free car wash.

Feel free to share your kudos for rain in the comments.

Till next time,
Annie

The ONE Changer

Found out wordpress has added some cool stuff. Because my heart author had vacated for awhile,  I decided to click on the ‘get some inspiration’ link. This is what popped up…

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

Coincidence? No. Whispers of God? Definitely. Since I have experienced MANY hills, MANY valleys, MANY ups and MANY downs the last six months I find this inspiration quite apropos. But one experience?!?!?! Yes…there is one…of many…but one for today.

Due to the divorce, the home I lived in had to be put up for sale. Which meant not only preparing myself for the life of a single, but also preparing myself for moving, estate sale, finding a place to live, etc. etc. etc. Yes, I am complaining but don’t give up yet, cause I didn’t.

So last summer, the real estate agent was called, selling price agreed upon, papers were signed, and a ‘For Sale’ sign was posted at the end of my driveway. Just because…we started the selling price high and got one hit, so low it was insulting. Hit was denied, price came down. After a couple more months, we got a reasonable bid with stipulations. My gut and my heart told me, ‘Don’t take it!!!’ However, by that time, the divorce reached  mediation resulting in the final paperwork stating I had 1 year to sell. So my ex, myself and our agent agreed to go with the bid. Yeah…WRONG CHOICE!!! Talk about hell on earth!!! Oh boy, long story short…let me just say this few words of advice to anyone who plans on buying a home…
1.) Make sure if cash is paid at your job, especially under the table, you get sufficient documentation to prove your income. Better yet, get a job paying legitimate income.

2.) Do not, under any circumstances, deposit large amounts of cash in a bank account. Especially if you are ‘claiming’ you need help paying for closing costs.

3.) Finally, make sure you and your significant other have jobs before buying a house. It raises many suspicions if one of you gets a job during the process causing unnecessary hold ups.

Due the above factors as well as some that will remain unmentionable, I finally cracked, informing my real estate agent I was done. Interestingly enough, an agent in his office had a potential buyer. So, this agent showed the house, resulting in emails back and forth begging for us to pick her buyer. Which we did. From inspection to closing it took 2 weeks!!! Which meant I had 14 days to get out of the house. However, during the fiasco with the first buyer I lost the apartment I had looked at meaning I had no place to call home. YIKES!!!! Needless to say, I was now desperately looking for a place to live.

The ONE was fully aware of my angst, struggle, worry, and disappointment. And I was at my wits end. It was then I saw a show interviewing Kelly Nieto who does a stage production of the Stations of the Cross, in Detroit, during Lent. Her advice? Get on your knees and pray. Yeah, well it was good coming from the tv. However, I had not gotten on my knees since I had been a child. I wasn’t sure I could. I knew it was going to be awkward. I mean really I prayed before sleeping. Surely God heard those utterances.

However, in times of desperation, God wants the fullness of our spirits, our minds and our hearts. He wants the most vulnerable pieces to erupt, like the blood His Son spilled on the Cross. He wants to hear us cry out no matter how hard or how embarrassing. Most importantly, He wants a hand in our lives. He wants us to let go and let Him. And it is exactly, in that moment, when miracles happen. If we are open. If we are accepting. If we are giving Him total control. If we let go of our needs. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Yeah just like Kelly’s advice.

Yet, we are human. For many of us, including myself, letting go of control is SCARY!!!! Oh my gosh! It means I may not get what I want. EXACTLY!! It means I may be in the valley longer than I need to be. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT!!! It means I have to accept whatever He brings, unconditionally. FOR SURE!!!

Well, eventually, my humanness got pushed aside as one night I took Kelly’s advice and kneeled, speaking to God from my heart, asking Him to give me peace and accept, no matter what, His way. And my friends, it is only then that life took a turn allowing me to see and feel His love, His grace and His Hand. Here are some of His messages I received

On a lamp post a paper sign-Watch & Pray
On one church marquee-ASAP: Always say a prayer
On another church marquee-Find the Good and Praise It
Fortune at Chinese Restaurant-Remember three months from this date, good things are in store for you
Seen on license plate-WOKWGOD
On another church marquee-Be too big for worry
On still another one-God doesn’t want shares of your life, He wants controlled interest
Seen on side of truck advertising business-Worryfreeinc.com

I not only got my knees once or twice but continue to this day. For not only was God assuring me with His words above, He had gifts waiting in the wings. One week before the closing, I was informed the apartment I lost was again available. I am now calling it home. One day before the closing, I signed the lease. In 13 days, I was totally moved out of my old home.

As I write this, I am still extremely awed in light of what He did. I did not deserve any of it. Yet I realize He always has a plan, if the human side is calmed and the spiritual side is raised.

My life is changed. WOW!!! HAS IT EVER!!! Due to Him, I am more at peace with myself and my circumstances and realize I don’t want control. Because without it, CHRISTmas comes more often than once a year.

So next time, you are in a bind or find yourself in the valley, take Kelly’s advice…kneel and pray. As for my advice? Let go and let God. I guarantee you will be awed. You will be humbled. And you will know His ever lasting love and grace which has the ability to fix all wounds, external or not.

Blessings, Peace and Hopes for His Hand Upon Your Life
and His Love Upon Your Heart,
Annie

Hello Again…

Hello… it sure has been a long time.
I’m sad to say my old computer died
So I couldn’t write a word.

Hello again…Hello
Live has been full of challenges
But I have survived it all
And a new computer I bought.

Hello again…Hello
I hope all is well with you
Stay tuned for more to come.
So glad to be writing again.

Hello again…
Hello

Annie

Life’s Relentless Climb and Him

It is mid afternoon. She stands, at the base, looking upwards, shielding her eyes from the sun. The mountain is so high, the top is invisible. The sides are jagged with craggy rock appearing not to have any hand holds or foot holds. Neither are ledges apparent, to rest on when a body aches from fatigue. Taking a step back, she sorrowfully peers towards the sky. Still, the mountain top cannot be seen. She wonders if there is one or if it is just an illusion, like her life. She has nothing to help her, no lines to rappel with, no spotter to guarantee safety, only the clothes on her back, and herself, staring at a mountain that appears endless. She takes one more step back, sits down, puts her face in her hands and begins to sob. Deep wrenching gasps move through her body almost causing a seizure. In seconds, her face is awash with a flood of tears. The tears boil over her hands, soaking the ground. Alone she is as night slowly falls, shadows of darkness covering the inevitable monstrosity till morning dawns.

Sunrise comes, slowly emerging behind the vast blockage. As the light creeps steadily toward heaven, she blinks her eyes awake, witnessing it climbing on either side of the mountain, till it fully blossoms in the sky, blinding her as she squints, once more trying to witness the top. But to no avail. The summit is undetectable. She stretches the kinks out of her body. As she rises, she feels an ache penetrating deep into the fibers of her being. Pain erupts, causing her to keel over.  She falls back down on to the ground. Hitting the hard dirt, she mournfully cries out. The cries echo off the mountain side, rebounding into nothingness. She rolls to her side, forcing her knees under her body. Crouching, in a fetal position, she claws the earth with her fingernails, trying to find enough strength to pull herself up. The ground is dry, brittle, and like the mountain provides no hand holds. Once more she gives up, sliding down to the ground. Again, her body convulses with sobs. Curling tightly into a ball, she slides into a restless sleep.

Afternoon wanes over head. Crying a warning, a vulture circles. She is startled awake. Once again she shields her eyes from the sun’s glare, glancing upward. She spots the vulture’s silhouette imprinted in the middle of the sun. Her eyes turn towards the mountain. Still no top is revealed. She knows she can’t stay grounded much longer or else she will die. She doesn’t want to face the void ahead, but she is not ready to accept death either. The choice has been made. Her body stiff, she forces it to rise. Vertebrae by vertebrae she straightens. The aches have not subsided. She knows they won’t. She tries to ignore them as she sluggishly walks towards the mountain. This time she does not look up. Instead she looks forward. As she arrives at the base, she puts her arms out, touching the sides, finding small gaps to fit her hands. Wearily, she begins her ascent.

Hours and hours pass. Eagerly, the sun makes its descend into slumber land. Yet, she has only scaled the mountain’s half way point. Exhausted, clothes drenched with sweat, aches turned into stabbing jolts of electricity, knees and hands rubbed raw from the mountain’s abrasiveness. Her minor strength wiped clean. Desperately clinging to the smallest of gaps, she looks downward. Now the base has become invisible. She turns her head upwards. All she sees is the mountain stretching, blocking out the sky. And still, no top has come into view. She relaxes her grip, pulling her hands from the mountain face. For one second, she is suspended in mid air. Closing her eyes, she anticipates her death, deciding she doesn’t want it after all. In a panic, she scrabbles to grasp anything. But her hands flail into air as empty as her spirit. Regretfully, she begins to fall.

As she falls toward her demise, her arms uplifted, her eyes squeezed shut; she slams into a crevice jutting out from the side. But she doesn’t feel it. Before she progresses any further, her descent is abruptly halted. She feels a burning so great in her shoulders, it vibrates throughout her torso. Her body prone, she hovers, her face inches from the side. Her mind unable to comprehend what has occurred. Her eyes blink shut, then open in disbelieve. It is then she hears, ‘Look to me.’ The climb too arduous has claimed her voice. She closes her eyes. She hears, ‘Look to me.’ It is repeated several times, over and over, a mantra she cannot respond to. Her spirit continues to shrivel, sucking hope from her soul. She hears it again, ‘Look to me.’ Not able to ignore the voice any longer, she opens her eyes. She looks down, seeing no one. She looks up. And filling her vision is a man’s face, His hands tightly woven around her wrists. He sighs, repeating, ‘Look to me.’ Then He smiles. It is in that moment, the aches and pains of fear, regret, worry, fatigue and solitude vanish from her body. It is then she knows the summit was always within sight and within reach. If only, from the beginning, she had looked to Him.

 

Taming the Techno Beast

In the world today, technology, it seems, is the end all, be all of life. Every technological advance makes headline news. Once a device hits the store, people line up for miles. Copy cat products are made to stimulate the competition. Having in one’s possession the latest and greatest contraption is not only a huge status symbol but also a huge ego booster. Yet, despite the whirl wind craze about technology, all the different cell phone varieties and plans, the limited character count of Twitter, the status field of Facebook, and email, communication, specifically live communication, is becoming more and more extinct.

There have been several different clues of this sad occurrence. The first came as I was taking care of business in a public ladies restroom. I heard someone entering, go into a stall next to mine and proceed. Then I heard her talking. I thought, ‘Is she talking to me?!?!?!’ After a minute, I realized she was attending to the task at hand while talking on her cell phone. Now, I admit, I have taken my cordless, landline phone into my bathroom at home and had a conversation. Even in a motel, I have used my cell in the room’s bathroom. However, these spaces are private, resulting in the person on the other end of the phone not knowing what room I am in as well as no one else having access to my conversation. Plus, how important is a call to justify a person answering it in a public facility?!?!?! Or is the sanctity of privacy also becoming extinct?

The second clue is in signage form. Maybe you have noticed this as well. Enter any doctor’s office, hospital, church, library or movie theater and one can witness the following, kindly refrain from cell phone use; out of respect for our other patrons, please make sure your cell phone is on quiet or vibrate; no cell phone use beyond this point; please take cell phone use away from desk and other public areas; during your appointment please refrain from cell phone usage; and my favorite use of your cell phone at window will open trap door you are standing on.

The third clue inadvertently appeared at a former job in a town I shall label B’ham. This town is known for up scale shops, pricier homes, and a ‘rich’ atmosphere. As I walked the streets, I noticed the majority of people chatting on their cell phones appeared not only stressed but also displayed uptight and constipated looks on their faces. The ONLY person to person contact I was able to elicit was with two homeless people. Every time we encountered each other, we spoke a greeting and flashed a smile. And despite the circumstances, or maybe because of them, all of us appeared to enjoy the day because our lives were not ruled by an electronic device.

The fourth clue happened on a trip up north, a couple of years ago. I used to have a phone service promoting no annual contracts, unlimited talk, unlimited data and unlimited text plans starting at $40 a month. Super deal, right? I thought so, initially. However, here in Michigan, this particular service cuts out in some areas, resulting in a dead phone. As I ventured up north, I found my phone becoming R.I.P. after I passed Saginaw. Did I panic? At first I did, realizing contact was denied to anyone if an emergency arose or I needed roadside assistance. However, after a few seconds, the panic subsided as I thought, ‘I am on vacation. No cell phone. YIPPPEEE!!!!!!!!!!’ Now, though, due to the move towards single womanhood, I have traded in that phone, resorting to a pay as you go version. Not as many bells and whistles but this one costs me $19.99 a month, and has been loyally active in all areas assuring me service if I absolutely require it.

The fifth clue is comprised of new state laws showing up in the last couple of years or so about texting and driving. Many people have gotten in accidents or died as a result of this so car companies are adding hands free systems allowing the driver to communicate through Bluetooth, phone apps are available which disable the texting feature, and across the country, laws are in effect banning use of phones while driving or letting users know tickets, with high fines, will be distributed if caught.

The sixth clue is becoming more and more relevant. I am sure you have witnessed it too. Let me set the scene…it is lunch or dinner hour. The restaurant is packed with families, friends, and other assorted large groups. TV’s and piped in music are blaring in the background. As one looks around the room, it is apparent there are few and far between interactions going on between the guests. However, notice the dad/mom engaging on their phone while their kids are loudly voicing their protest over the inattention. How bout the guests over there…both dinners have arrived, but the people are too busy on their cells to notice. And how is at your own table? I know at mine, I have to verbally remind my own boys to power off. I even gone so far as to request they leave their phones at home or in the car. Not always easy for them but one I deem necessary.

Finally, the last clue showed up, a couple of years ago, at a family gathering. Most of the ‘young’ people, meaning 25 and under were gathered, side by side on the coach, engrossed in doing business on their cell phones. All of us ‘older’ folk were spaced in different groups around the room, conversing face to face. During the evening, I had an opportunity to observe and listen to the goings on of everyone. What struck me were the youngsters, despite sitting as close as they were, preceded to text each other. One of them mentioned, with a laugh, how at his work place, no one verbally addressed anyone, even if the cubicles were next to each other. Instead, a quick text was substituted. As I sat watching and listening, I was saddened. For, in this world of technicality, how will this generation really get to know another person’s life story? How will this generation be able to intuit another person’s emotional state? How will this generation come up with innovative, creative, out of the box ideas? And how will this generation survive if the electronic grid fails?

 Ions ago there was a company promoting the product they produced with the following motto:

                                                   Is it live or is it Memorex?

Isn’t it time to tame the technology beast and get back in touch with being alive? After all, is that not why we are called HUMAN beings and not techno beings?

Think about it, especially as the holiday season approaches. And maybe, when gathering with friends or family, traveling, exercising or just living day to day, you could turn off technology for one day a week, and turn on the world. Who knows? You may develop a new friendship, witness the gorgeousness nature has to offer, brighten someone’s day with your smile or a comment, contribute to the safety of your and someone else’s life, rekindle long forgotten relationships or maybe, just maybe, fire up your Spirit and be the difference this world is crying for. Try it. I guarantee you and the person on the other end will not be disappointed.

 Blessings till next we meet again,
Annie

Assets of Life-Part 2

….‘Don’t think about the big scheme of things, only each moment.’ Bringing us to the sixth asset…

 A wise person, my dad again, once gave me the best advice-live one day at a time. Seems all of life’s assets are hard, but somehow this one is often the most challenging. Cell phones, email, planner books, schedules, payment of bills, conferences, watches, clocks and goals for the future tend to muck up the day to day gift one is given. Often one hears, ‘I wish there were more hours in the day.’ Instead of wishing for more, think about it this way…1 day = 24 hours; 1 week =168 hours; 1 month of 30 days = 720 hours; 1 month of 31 days = 744 hours; 1 year = 8760 hours and if one lives to 100, one is given 876,000 hours. Now, does one really need to wish for more? Bringing us to the seventh asset…

Being totally…let me write that again…
Being TOTALLY…satisfied. A BIG ONE for sure! Yet, how does one achieve this when one believes the grass is greener on the other side, employers are cutting back, economy sucks, bills keep stacking up, politicians make promises they can’t keep once in office, grocery prices are raising, gas prices are raising, yada, yada, yada…you get the picture. But I did not answer the question. How does one become grounded enough to be TOTALLY satisfied with what is? I believe it is in being grateful, not only for the big stuff but also the small; not only in the good times, but also the bad; not only for the expected but also the surprises and not worrying about things one can’t control. On to the seventh asset…

 Letting go. The Serenity Prayer says it best, ‘God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change; COURAGE to change the things I can; and WISDOM to know the difference.’ Seems, once again, easier said than done. However, there are certain aspects of life one NEEDS to ACCEPT. I could not change the status of my bank account and panicking did not help me get to a solution. Instead, I ultimately embraced and ACCEPTed the emotional upheaval, waited till it passed, found COURAGE, and gained WISDOM, resulting in a solution. Notice I also had to wait through the storm of emotions. Leading to the eighth asset…

Patience. One won’t be able to move beyond or through without this one. Due to the rat race of today’s society, speediness of things is considered the norm while waiting has become taboo. Why does our culture dictate a have it now attitude? I am stumped to the answer on this one. Though, I have learned in developing patience, there are things, specifically miracles that will occur, if one is willing to wait it out and have faith…which leads right to the ninth asset…

 Faith. One quality of life I could not live without. No words could sufficiently describe how faith in myself and more importantly, in God has enriched my life. I have learned to lean on Him no matter what, thank Him every day and believe in Him so strongly, I have wept as He shows Himself through ‘Godincidences.’ It is through Him, I have become the person I am today. And it is through Him I have learned about love…the final asset of life.

 Yes, my marriage has ended. So has love? For a while I fooled myself into thinking so. What unlocked my heart? My boys…constant reminders without the marriage, they would not have been. My parents…so supportive…they have witnessed me in tears over it. My brother and sister…calling me, visiting me…both a phone call away…waiting quietly for when I need them the most. My friends…old and new…assuring me, coaxing me, making me laugh, and offering shoulders. And my kitties, my little charmer boy, Monty…my little peanut, high spirited gal, Maddie. Love never left. And through God’s grace and goodness, my heart was opened wide to not only feel it but also share it.

 Will insufficient funds cross my path again? Most likely. However, with the Assets of Life, the well will never be dry, and my life account will never be in short supply.

 Blessings for a Life filled with Assets,
Till Again We Meet,
Annie

Assets of Life-Part 1

Last time, I wrote about insufficient funds at the bank. Fortunately, money can be borrowed, banks do cover with overdraft fees or depending on circumstances accounts can be refunded with a bit of paper work. However, when there are insufficient funds in life, it may not be as easy to fix. At least that is what I used to think…

 I am an avid reader. The majority of books I devour are about people who triumph over insufficiency, whether it is financial, physical, spiritual, or death, or dependency related. Some are celebrities or have led lives of fame. Some are people just like you and me. Many face difficulties so devastating I wonder not only how they continue to go on but what makes them resilient, especially when the funds of their life have been depleted. However, all of them have certain qualities in common, each one of which I am learning to apply to my life. I call these qualities the ‘Assets of Life’.

The first asset is fully embracing the emotions that occur when circumstances arise. Initially this can be very difficult, especially if these emotions last longer than one expects them to, someone tells us ‘we need to get over them’ or they are the complete opposite of what one normally feels. Shame, anger, shock, depression and feelings of having zero control are normal. Especially if the circumstance was caused by a choice one made. If that is the case, realize ALL of us and I repeat ALL of us make mistakes. NO ONE IS PERFECT. It is through mistakes one learns to reach higher to succeed. It is through mistakes one learns strength. And most importantly, it is mistakes which teach one how to accept and ultimately to forgive oneself, insufficiencies and all. However if these emotions abduct everyday life it may be time to seek help, whether through a friend, family member or a professional. This leads to the second asset…

Fully voicing, out loud with no apologies, the vulnerabilities of one’s life. This asset can also be difficult especially if one has walked this road before and been rejected, ignored, lectured or blown off. One of the hardest things, I have found, is letting others in on the secret that one is not as strong as one may appear on the outside. However, if the inner voice is not heard, the struggle inside will continue to storm causing harm to health and relationships thus preventing one’s progress on the path of healing. In addition, one may never know the comfort, love, warm embrace and help others are willing to give. This leads to the third asset…

 Accepting help. OH MAN!!!! Let me preface this by saying I am one of those people who LOVES to help others. I have no problem giving. But when it comes to receiving, well that is another story. When I made the decision to separate from my husband I figured it was my choice so I needed to live with whatever consequences occurred. But as the journey forward became rockier, I gradually found myself answering the question ‘How are you?’ truthfully, instead of the standard ‘fine’ or ‘good.’ (Thanks to my dad who knows the real me and won’t accept a standard answer, often repeating the question asking, ‘No, really HOW are you?’) And every time I spilled my guts, my life was changed by those who took time to listen. Many offered gifts as simple as keeping me in their prayers, giving me hugs, providing unconditional love, fully listening without commenting, sharing their experiences, saying ‘I understand’, crying with me, or reminding me of God’s presence. Others offered gifts of money or payment of bills or treated me to lunch or dinner. All of them, in one way or another, has deeply touched my life, giving me hope…ahhh…the fourth asset…

Possessing unending hope. In the midst of struggle, devastation and unexpected conditions, it is extremely difficult to imagine, let alone see, the light at the end of the tunnel. Many are left homeless, yet they persevere. Many keep falling again and again, yet they manage to pick themselves up and continue the march forward. Many encounter death, not only of loved ones but of themselves, yet they leave behind an unforgettable legacy. Christopher Reeve said it best, ‘Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.’ A great lead in to the fifth asset…

 Believing in oneself, regardless of one’s past, present situation or events that occurred in childhood, without excuses. In continuing to make and accept excuses, one will be deafened to the inner coach living inside us all. My coach is always available, especially when I succumb to the false negativity in the pity party moments, the doubting times, when the whys don’t have an answer and when I need to admit responsibility for the part I played. Eventually I hear her saying, ‘You can do this!,’ ‘Don’t give up EVER!,’ ‘Think of how far you have come,’ ‘Will this matter in a year, in 5 minutes or tomorrow?,’ ‘You are strong,’ ‘Don’t be afraid to change,’ ‘Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get going!,’ ‘I believe in you,’ and most importantly, ‘Don’t think about the big scheme of things, only each moment.’ Bringing us to the sixth asset…(come back tomorrow for Assets of Life-Part 2)

 Until Tomorrow,
Annie

Insufficient Funds

Tuesday…went to the atm. Tried twice to get cash. No luck. Drove to a different bank. Okayed transaction. Still nothing. Except insufficient funds. NO WAY!!!!!!! IT CAN’ T BE!!!!! Then shame flooded my body. And I questioned, what did I do wrong?
Insufficient funds. Lately, life has been doing its damnest to drown me. And when things occur doubt takes over. Insufficient funds caused my mind to become panic stricken. My eyes saw the words but my brain refused to believe it. I knew I had the cash yet my confidence withered. Instead of taking action, I sobbed. I sobbed for what was and what could have been. I sobbed for what is. I had myself a grand old pity party. Right in front of my boys. My oldest assured me my bank account could still have money in it. My youngest said he would lend me some money. Never, in my entire life, have I ever not had sufficient funds. All I could think about was how embarrassed and shameful I felt. I knew going through divorce was going to be a financial strain but I always believed I could take care of myself. But I was mistaken.
Ever since my separation, I have become more vulnerable. When people ask how I am doing I tell them. And to my surprise I have received hugs, mention of them praying for me, lending of money if needed and always they ask for an update. My oldest son is paying a couple of bills this month to help and he has treated for dinner as well, not only buying it but making it. I realize I can’ t walk this journey alone nor was I meant to.
As for the insufficient funds…I should have listened to myself. I had the funds until someone stole my debit card number and accessed my account stealing over $300.00. I am not sure if it was a swipe machine at a gas station or what. Thankfully, I found out, went to the bank and will be getting the money replaced.
But here is what I learned…I am NEVER alone. The day after the insufficient fund fiasco I received a check from my son’s high school for payment owed due to the books he returned at the end of the year. Funny thing is he has been graduated since May. And after balancing my checkbook, I found I had made an error resulting in an additional $5 that I thought I did not have. Most importantly I am not insufficient in friends, love, laughter or family. And as for the money? I am still in shock someone raped my bank account. However it will be refunded and the couple of bills due this week may be late. At least I caught it and I know the next time I need gas I will take my oldest son’s advice to get cash from the atm. That way I have a better chance of keeping my debit card safe and I get the cash price at the pump saving me money.
Life is kicking hard and I am still standing.
Blessings,
Annie

Breaking Away

Many lessons have been learned, since my separation 4 months ago. One occurred recently as I listened to Life Coach Sophie on the Martha Stewart Channel on Sirius. That day the particular topic was how to move forward after divorce. Sophie had a therapist as a guest. I happened to tune into the middle of the show as a caller shared her thoughts about not wanting to delve into a relationship due to the painfulness of her divorce. For me, delving into a relationship, while still married is not an option. I have some work to do on myself before I am totally whole again and I am not officially single. However, I felt the same way as this caller. Until the therapist mentioned that if the caller refused to move through her mindset, she would not be able to move on with her life. BAM!!! The light bulb not only went on, but burst above my head!! What a revelation!!!!!

Days afterward, the conversation continued to cook in me, at first slowly simmering, until furiously boiling over, jolting my heart, penetrating my spirit and opening my eyes to realize just how big of a wall I have built around my life. That’s right, a wall. One so impenetrable, no bomb could blow it to smithereens. One so high not one person could climb over it. One solid wall, built around the fort of me. No way in. No way out. A concrete wall erected on rejection, criticism, and blame forcing love, gratitude, and optimism to grovel below the surface, desperately gasping for air, jostling to survive, screaming for attention, trying to claw their way out to the surface, to the side of recognition. But the wall was way too sturdy deafening my hearing.

Regardless of the wall’s power, it could not keep one out. The wall began to crumble the minute the light exploded. Slowly, it eroded. Bit by bit, cracks formed, ones so miniscule, the naked eye could barely discern them. Even the wall did not know of their existence. Gradually, the cracks grew, inch by inch, forming chips then holes. By the time the wall noticed, there was nothing it could do. For the light birthed Faith. In turn, Faith birthed renewal. And the wall came crashing down, spewing forth passion, hope and endless support.

Many gifts have been granted, since the wall disappeared. I have consoled the old me, forgiving her for so many things-not having strength, feeling guilty for not trying harder, being scared to death to venture out, not trusting herself and not believing in herself. I have unashamedly shared my experiences, my doubts, my vulnerabilities, opening up wounds that are slowly being healed as my words tumble out. I am taking responsibility for my faults but not allowing blame of another to ruin the new life forming within. I have recognized what I will allow and what I will not. I have let go of the old, fully embracing the new me. And I found myself, amidst the rubble of a shattered wall, smiling, laughing and knowing the freedom, the joy, and the beauty that comes from being unequivocally me. As for a relationship, well I have opened my heart up to a lot these days changing my feelings from never to possible. Only time will tell and ONLY after the divorce is final!

For now, old friendships are becoming stronger, and new friendships are forming. Also, I opened up not only my heart but my home, to two kittens, (more on them in another post). Life and God continue to be good, always and in all ways. As Kelly Clarkston sings, in the song Breakaway,

Out of the darkness and into the sun
I’ll spread my wings and learn how to fly,
I’ll do what it takes to touch the sky.
I won’t forget the place I come from,
I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway.

 May you have the courage to break down the walls and break away from the chains so the real you can come alive and soar.

Blessings,
Till we meet again,
Annie

September’s Word-FUEL

FUEL…
gasoline, diesel, coal, petroleum, natural gas, ethanol,wood…all ways to power up a vehicle or heat a home.

But what happens when a person needs some energy or sustenance? There are products loaded with high levels of caffeine, restaurants promoting ‘freaky fast’ delivery’ and all kinds of supplements. But most of these usually give a temporary boost. So how does one achieve long-term results?

I did a bit of research on the acronym FUEL. Surprisingly I found a few meanings I did not expect…

 Filling Up Every Life
Found Us Eternal Life
Filling Up Empty Lives
and
Faith Ultimately Expresses Love.

FUEL…not only a material but a way of life.
Regardless of soaring gas prices, droughts, floods, and even death, when one relies on the
Holy Spirit’s FUEL,
one’s tank never reaches empty.

FUEL…Father uplifting every load.

Blessings for FUEL in your life.
Till we meet again.
Annie