There are some days I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING AN ADULT!!! Especially when I think all is right with myself. However, since I have made a commitment to change from within, revelations continue to pop up every now and again.
I wanted this life. I desired this revamped me. So, the consequence is gaining insight. Some of it is painful. Some of it is eye opening. All of it is helping to slowly rid my heart and soul of bitterness, negativity and hatred. Here’s to another one!
Since my dad died, it has really bugged the hell out of me that my mom doesn’t push my brother to follow through on things he says he is going to do. Things such as fix the faucets in her kitchen and bathroom, one of which is eating up money because it has a constant drip. Another thing is get the battery started in the car she is leasing, but hasn’t been able to drive for over a year.
Yes, just for the record, I am keeping tabs. I know. I know. It’s not healthy to fret over someone whose words don’t match up with his actions. Especially since my mom has a very lackadaisical attitude toward his promises not becoming fulfilled.
Which is where the revelation comes in. The other night, I had just started to fall into a deep sleep. Unconsciously, I must have been thinking about this, due to the conversation I recently had with my mom. She told me my brother had called. He wanted to let her know he has a week off at the end of the month, and how much he has wanted to come over to fix the faucets and get her car started. My first thought, one of which I did not utter was, Really? Heard this scenario before.
Ahh, how bitterness does seep, getting me off track. The revelation I had helped me understand why my brother’s ineptitude was getting on my nerves. Even though I have been divorced for 5 years, the past still creeps in, taunting me when I least expect it. The reason I am bothered is because when I was married, we lived in a house, built in 1954. When my oldest was 2 years old, we did some minor renovations. In the kitchen, we had the cabinets refaced, replaced the flooring, and wallpapered. In the bathroom, we replaced all the cabinets and wallpapered. In the basement, my ex installed new paneling, put down tile flooring and constructed a ‘man cave’. We also got new windows throughout the house. A few years and one more child later, we ripped up all the carpet throughout the first floor and had our wood floors refinished. Then my ex painted all the bedrooms. To spiffy up the backyard, my ex and his brother installed a wooden deck. Professionals were called in to complete the handy work not done by my ex.
However, it was the in between projects, like the toilets which ran for hours on end after flushing, the front porch which was slowly deteriorating, the deck which wasn’t anchored in the ground correctly resulting in one side lifting up, causing a very evident slant, the asphalt driveway rutted with cracks, and the list goes on and on and on. Granted, all of these issues could have been easily solved if we had hired someone. But, my ex didn’t want to do that. So things just got worse. Luckily, despite the cosmetic imperfections, the house sold.
And that is why I am bothered by the fact my brother does not follow through on what his says. Because the man I was married to for 26 3/4 years didn’t either. I also think both of them do it so as to have control. I knew if I hired the pros to come in, my ex would have raised cain. So, no matter how disruptive, I choose to keep my mouth shut and live with the situation. On the other hand, even though we haven’t talked in quite a long time, I believe my brother is not jumping in because I think he doesn’t want my mom to drive anymore. I only believe this because last year, when I was at my mom’s house, he called and hinted my mom might be better off residing in an assisted living community. She firmly told him, NO! After the conversation ended, she turned to me, saying, I almost told your brother to FUCK OFF! I wish she would have, for as circumstances stand today, he is pretty useless in getting anything accomplished around her house. Oh, wait, I do know something my mom has told me he has done. He changed the light bulbs. Just remembered, he also fertilized the front lawn last year. So, yeah, I guess he is somewhat helpful.
Once I realized it was my ex’s behavior, which my brother is now exhibiting, that was the root of why I was feeling like I was, some of the bitterness lifted. Notice I said some, not all. I know it will take MANY more revelations for it to totally dissipate and even then, a trace or two, may linger.
Thankfully I have males in my life who have shown me their words parallel with their actions. One gentleman I consider my brother from another mother. I was telling him about the repairs my mom needs. Without batting an eye, he volunteered to come over, freely lend a hand and just charge my mom for the purchase of the faucets. I told her, but she has declined, choosing to wait on my brother.
I also think my mom doesn’t want my help, because for 60 years she relied on my dad who was not only an engineer and a handyman but also a carpenter. I think she needs to rely on the voice of a male because she hasn’t learned to depend nor trust her instincts to get the job done. Plus, I think it is easier to ‘rely’ on someone to make decisions in determining a fix. In doing so, one doesn’t have to deal with the headache of searching for the right person who will correctly complete the job. (Which is why, after my divorce, I chose to rent rather than own. Maintenance is just a phone call away when something breaks and no extra charges for fixes.)
I know relying on one’s self takes practice. Geez, I have been doing it for 5 years and I am still learning the ropes. In my mom’s case, even though I get irritated when she reverts to your brother will take care of it, I sort of understand why his voice takes precedence over mine. Notice I said ‘sort of.’ I don’t fully understand because she relies on me for everything else. And I haven’t led her wrong yet. At least not that she has made me aware of. I know some of it is jealousy as well. My mom knows I am smart, can figure out things, am willing to call her insurance company to get her battery started and find someone to make repairs. But it is that DAMN male voice she still needs. And at times, it is sooooooo frustrating! Only because I would have had everything fixed a long time ago if she had only trusted the solutions I presented to her.
Writing this has helped alleviate a bit more bitterness. In addition, it has made me realize, in depending on the male voice, it is highly likely my mom doesn’t trust my voice. DAMN revelations!!!
Gosh, how I HATE BEING AN ADULT!! At least, at times, like when the bills are due, filing taxes, working in the summer or in inclement weather or when I have to decide what to eat for dinner. (At least, now that my youngest is back home till he finds a job in Cali.)
However, I do not hate the revelations. No matter how long it takes, they help to sort out the whys and the how comes. They have definitely contributed to making me a better well rounded person. I am thankful to have the knowledge my revelations reveal. It has saved me a lot of money in therapy fees and given me a chance to become the person I always craved to be.
P. S. I don’t always hate being an adult. Look for a future post why I love being an adult.