Protocol Versus A Badge

This is to the person who was a visitor where I work. Let me brief you on our policy. Regardless of who you are or what title you hold, any and all guests who enter the building, including the President of the United States and his security entourage, have to show some type of photo ID to gain entry.

I know you are an officer of the law. It may also be true, as you stated, no one has ever asked you to prove your identity. But I was not asking anything out of the ordinary.

However I found your reaction to be exceptionally down right childish and inappropriate. You certainly didn’t relay a good impression of yourself or your department.

Ironically, you were visiting as part of an active shooter presentation. Yet you threw a fit because I requested ID.

All I can say is shame on you.

You, of all people, should know the dynamics of the world today. And wearing a badge doesn’t give you privileges, especially when it comes to the safety and security of others.

At the end of the day, you left a VERY bitter taste in mouth. I hate to see how you would react if a citizen exhibited behavior towards you in the manner you did to me. Especially since your outburst was totally NOT what I would have expected from someone whose mission it is to serve and protect as well as never betray your character or public trust.

So here’s a word of advice. Next time you get asked for your ID, be thankful that someone is taking the time to follow through on a protocol of safety. Not just for fellow employees but for you as well. A badge isn’t a license for entitlement. It is a symbol of respect.

I do believe most officers of the law are genuinely good people, trying their best to make the world a better place. However, after today’s encounter, I believe a few bad apples is why law enforcement is constantly getting a bad rap.

So, mr copper man, if you ever come to visit again, just remember, I need to see a photo ID. Like you, I am doing my job to the best of my ability. And even though I don’t have a badge, I have a responsibility to make sure protocols, which are put in place for the safety of fellow employees and anyone entering our establishment, are followed. I never took an oath when I was hired. Yet, each day I am doing my best to be an example of integrity and show a little kindness to each person who crosses my path. It’s too bad that your badge got in the way.


What Must It Be Like?

What must it be like to live to 80, 90, 100?

What must it be like to see a face in the mirror, so familiar yet life worn, the facial lines etched into the skin once smooth?

What must it be like to feel the body giving out, the knees once sturdy ravaged with arthritis, the spine rigid, fingers weakened by brittle bones, legs stiff?

What must it be like to clearly remember details from the past but struggle to recall moments in the here and now?

What must it be like to accept depending on others, hoping to not be too much of a burden?

What must it be like to surrender independence, having car keys taken away, being told the house known as home is to be sold as more assistance is needed for your care?

What must it be like to watch as death slowly creeps in to snatch the life from the one you have loved for as long as you can remember?

What must it be like?

(inspired by my 90 year old Mom’s decision to not drive anymore)

You’ve Got to be Kidding Me

Yesterday, browsing the newspaper, I came upon an article. When I read the headline my first reaction was really?!?! I continued scrolling through the rest of the main page, only to come back and read the article.

After I read it, I thought this isn’t about rights, it’s about some young kid out to make a buck.

The article is about an 18 year old, who went to a Dick’s Sporting Goods Store 2 hours away from where he resides and where his dad is co-owner of a firearms store, to purchase a gun.

The kid was denied the purchase because, due to the Parkland shooting, Dick’s Sporting Goods revised sales of firearms from those who are 18 and over to those 21 and over. As a result, the kid is suing Dick’s for more than $25,000 for personal damages and claiming the non-sale is a violation of the Michigan Elliott-Larsen civil rights act. In a nutshell, this act prohibits discrimination based on religion, race, age, color, marital status, sex, height, familial status or national origin. He also said he picked the store, 2 hours from his home,  out of convenience for his lawyer, who is on that side of the state.

Once again I say REALLY!?!? I will admit the kid is smart for figuring out a way around a decision made for the purpose of protecting others. Regardless, if the kid wants a gun, why isn’t he purchasing one from the store his dad owns? I’m sure he would be able to get one there.

As for the $25,000, I have never ever been personally damaged by being denied a purchase that I thought to sue a corporation for that amount or less.

Come on!! Let’s be realistic.

I just hope when this case hits the court, the judge has enough brains and diligence to throw this right out the window. Yes, I know what the law states and I get it.

Regardless, I don’t believe this situation has anything to do with rights in any way what so ever. I believe it’s about someone who found a way to make an easy buck.  No wonder people are losing hope in humanity.

The 6th Sense

Yes, there is a movie the same title as this post. One whose ending freaked the hell out of me, but made me want to watch it again and again to catch the clues, evident if one was paying attention, invisible to those not taking heed. Kind of like intuition.

As a young girl I experienced inklings of what some would call ‘listening to my gut.’ However I wasn’t in sync with my 6th sense so I brushed the feelings aside, instead of heeding them.

Regardless the feelings didn’t die. They continued to get stronger as I aged. Eventually they got so strong, at times it felt like they had a life of their own, as they naggingly persisted day in and day out until I was forced to take action.

I remember, as a young wife and mother, vacationing with my parents at a cottage they rented before seeing it. My dad was giving me the tour. We walked upstairs and I stopped. He turned to look at me as I sprouted, ‘This place is creepy.’ Now there was nothing visible I had witnessed which would have led me to this conclusion, except for that inexplicable intuitive 6th sense. As it turns out, in the middle of our stay, we discovered rats. As a result we hightailed it out of there. Forever after that my dad would mention it with a somewhat perplexed look on his face as to how I knew something was creepy.

I have never seen dead people like Cole Sear did. But I have learned to make friends with my gut and trust the feelings it generates.

Just the other day I was asked, ‘Do you still feel the same way you felt about people you first met or has it changed?’ I answered, ‘Yes, my initial gut reaction was right on.’ What I didn’t say was, those initial feelings are actively in the background reminding me the vibes I feel are real, regardless of being hidden from view.

Which leads me to someone I have known for quite a while, developed a friendship with and am constantly questioning their behavior. Upon first meeting this person, my gut, within seconds, was firing warning signals. The more I got to know this person, I found they were nice, seemed to have a caring heart and displayed concern when I was sick or not having a good day. Despite these good characteristics, this person also complained a lot, voiced extremely loud opinions about others, had what I felt was underlaying anger, and reacted to situations without thinking first.

Because my 6th sense was persistent, I made a conscious choice, in the beginning of this year, to back off on my relationship.

What I discovered was fascinating! I found myself engaging with others who were fun to be with, didn’t complain all the time and exhibited vibes of positivity. My 6th sense was in heaven! I also found myself escaping from the gossip train into the train of relooking at others, accepting them for who they were and seeing visible good qualities I had missed. I felt like I had acquired new eyes and been gifted with child like wonder! And my 6th sense was calm and no longer fidgety. The realization hit, this person was not good for my overall well being. Another lesson to help me learn to listen even more carefully to my 6th sense.

But the question remains, do I totally cut ties with this person? I could. And in doing so I would make my 6th sense extremely happy. Another option is to have a heart to heart conversation with this person to discuss how I feel towards them. Chances are though, and my 6th sense agrees, it would make things worse. So I am making a compromise. I will continue to interact and see this person, especially since this person is part of a group of friends I normally hang out with. But I am no longer going to get caught up in the day to day drama this person seems to like engaging in. I can still be friends but at arms length for now. Last year this person suffered quite a few unexpected and tragic hits from life, which justifies, in a way, why their behavior and attitude has changed. Despite that, my 6th sense still bubbles in this person’s presence.

I have hope this person’s caring side will shine through and get stronger. And I am willing to set limits aside if that happens. I just know, I have to be self serving, and pay attention to what my 6th sense is making visible and for now put the brakes on this relationship.

My 6th sense doesn’t allow me to see dead people. At least for the time being. LOL!! But if I pay close attention, it does allow and alert me to things unseen. And day by day I am learning to hone in and believe in the magic of its premonitions.



Woos of an Ex

The other day I was asked, When did you stop resenting your ex?

I answered, It took about 5 years.

In reality, I still have tinges of anger which I don’t think will ever go away. When I got married I never thought he would betray me. I never thought he would be unfaithful. I believed the vows we took were sacred and our belief in the Catholic faith would bind us when tough times hit.

Looking back I realize promises, faith and luke warm love won’t save a relationship. From the start I think our relationship was doomed to last a lifetime.

We never communicated deep feelings or talked about things that would affect our lives in the long run like money, raising kids, dealing with in-laws. We stayed two separate people, surviving in our own little worlds, thinking the other person would succumb to our ideals and views.

I firmly believe the perception we had of each other overrode the real person we were living with. This caused a lot of turmoil especially when the person didn’t act like we envisioned they should.

He was not my ‘soul mate.’ I used to hear women remark how devastated they would be if their husbands died. I felt jealous and ashamed because I felt if my husband died, I would feel sorrow for my children but I could finally live a life of peace.

I remember struggling with making the decision to stay in the marriage or divorce. One of the last questions I asked myself before seeing a lawyer was Do you love him? The immediate answer was No. That revelation is what sealed the deal, prompting me to end our marriage.

Last December, at my son’s college graduation, I encountered my ex and his wife. I found it interesting how uncomfortable my ex was. He couldn’t look me in the eye and was constantly avoiding me. Although he saved a seat for me, at my son’s commissioning ceremony, he sat between me and his wife and for most of the event, kept his back to me. I have to admit I loved how difficult it was for him. I kind of felt he was reacting that way due to guilt. After that day my resentment and most of my anger towards him dissipated. I realized how glad I was to be single and alone but without guilt, regret or anxiety about our relationship.

Yes, chances are we will see each other in the future because of our children. And because of them I will continue to be cordial and respectful to both my ex and his wife. I don’t readily advocate divorce. Because regardless of who makes the decision to end a marriage, it is painful, hard, financially taxing, scary as hell, and exhausting mentally, physically and spiritually.

However I don’t believe couples should stay together if there is constant turmoil or for the sake of the children. No one benefits from a house full of anger. I know for I lived exactly in those circumstances for the last 15 years I was married.

Due to the many ways I have improved myself, I am in a much better place when I know I have to be in a situation where my ex will also be present.

I don’t regret the relationship as I have two sons whom I deeply love and adore. I have also taken quite a bit of time to learn about myself and what kind of relationship I would like to have in the future.

Regardless, there is still some baggage I am learning to get rid of like having trust issues. It’s a slow process but one I am willing to go through.

Right now, I am perfectly content living with my cats, watching my sons move forward in their lives and establishing great friendships with people who are teaching me acceptance, unconditional love and trust. I am grateful they are there to also have deep conversations about life. It’s a relief to finally have an ear or two in which to hear my voice and also a shoulder or two to lean on. And it is great to reciprocate.

The door is cracked and every once in a while I throw up a thought or two of the kind of man I would like in my life. Although at the moment I am not willing to trade the peace I have built in my life, for a relationship. Only time will tell…



Playing with Poop

Just read an article, in my local paper, about the latest craze in toys, inspired by poop and the poop emoji.

That’s right folks…poop.

I personally believe shows on the boob tube are not creative and movies have gone the way of remaking classics. At least there are still a few authors who are imaginative and think outside the box.

But come on. I can’t believe manufacturers are so uncreative that they have to turn to poop as an idea for a toy.

Now I am definitely not a fuddy duddy. I love a good fart joke, understood guy humor and think movies like the Step Brothers are hilarious.

But poop toys are the last thing I would buy if my kids were younger. I do agree with Ashley Mady creator of poopez, who believes poop is for everyone. Yes it is. And there are many benefits when bowels are properly functioning and one deposits a good poop.

However I am not keen on the idea of any child playing with something I was taught is not sanitary. And I get kids will probably think the poop toys are funny. As long as they aren’t OCD.

I think it’s gross and totally uncreative to manufacture toys based on defecating. Before you know it kids will be playing with toys shaped like tampons, dildos and condoms.

I guess what it comes down to is the all mighty dollar. Hopefully this poop fad will quickly fade away forcing those promoting it to come up with something which will engage a child’s brain to think outside the box.

Poop toys…what a shitty idea.

Revelation-Yes, Another One

There are some days I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING AN ADULT!!! Especially when I think all is right with myself. However, since I have made a commitment to change from within, revelations continue to pop up every now and again.

I wanted this life. I desired this revamped me. So, the consequence is gaining insight. Some of it is painful. Some of it is eye opening. All of it is helping to slowly rid my heart and soul of bitterness, negativity and hatred. Here’s to another one!

Since my dad died, it has really bugged the hell out of me that my mom doesn’t push my brother to follow through on things he says he is going to do. Things such as fix the faucets in her kitchen and bathroom, one of which is eating up money because it has a constant drip. Another thing is get the battery started in the car she is leasing, but hasn’t been able to drive for over a year.

Yes, just for the record, I am keeping tabs. I know. I know. It’s not healthy to fret over someone whose words don’t match up with his actions. Especially since my mom has a very lackadaisical attitude toward his promises not becoming fulfilled.

Which is where the revelation comes in. The other night, I had just started to fall into a deep sleep. Unconsciously, I must have been thinking about this, due to the conversation I recently had with my mom. She told me my brother had called. He wanted to let her know he has a week off at the end of the month, and how much he has wanted to come over to fix the faucets and get her car started. My first thought, one of which I did not utter was, Really? Heard this scenario before. 

Ahh, how bitterness does seep, getting me off track. The revelation I had helped me understand why my brother’s ineptitude was getting on my nerves. Even though I have been divorced for 5 years, the past still creeps in, taunting me when I least expect it. The reason I am bothered is because when I was married, we lived in a house, built in 1954. When my oldest was 2 years old, we did some minor renovations.  In the kitchen, we had the cabinets refaced, replaced the flooring, and wallpapered. In the bathroom, we replaced all the cabinets and wallpapered. In the basement, my ex installed new paneling, put down tile flooring and constructed  a ‘man cave’. We also got new windows throughout the house. A few years and one more child later, we ripped up all the carpet throughout the first floor and had our wood floors refinished. Then my ex painted all the bedrooms. To spiffy up the backyard, my ex and his brother installed a wooden deck. Professionals were called in to complete the handy work not done by my ex.

However, it was the in between projects, like the toilets which ran for hours on end after flushing, the front porch which was slowly deteriorating, the deck which wasn’t anchored in the ground correctly resulting in one side lifting up, causing a very evident slant, the asphalt driveway rutted with cracks, and the list goes on and on and on. Granted, all of these issues could have been easily solved if we had hired someone. But, my ex didn’t want to do that. So things just got worse. Luckily, despite the cosmetic imperfections, the house sold.

And that is why I am bothered by the fact my brother does not follow through on what his says. Because the man I was married to for 26 3/4 years didn’t either. I also think both of them do it so as to have control. I knew if I hired the pros to come in, my ex would have raised cain. So, no matter how disruptive, I choose to keep my mouth shut and live with the situation. On the other hand, even though we haven’t talked in quite a long time, I believe my brother is not jumping in because I think he doesn’t want my mom to drive anymore. I only believe this because last year, when I was at my mom’s house, he called and hinted my mom might be better off residing  in an assisted living community. She firmly told him, NO! After the conversation ended, she turned to me, saying, I almost told your brother to FUCK OFF! I wish she would have, for as circumstances stand today, he is pretty useless in getting anything accomplished around her house. Oh, wait, I do know something my mom has told me he has done. He changed the light bulbs. Just remembered, he also fertilized the front lawn last year. So, yeah, I guess he is somewhat helpful.


Once I realized it was my ex’s behavior, which my brother is now exhibiting, that was the root of why I was feeling like I was, some of the bitterness lifted. Notice I said some, not all. I know it will take MANY more revelations for it to totally dissipate and even then, a trace or two, may linger.

Thankfully I have males in my life who have shown me their words parallel with their actions. One gentleman I consider my brother from another mother. I was telling him about the repairs my mom needs. Without batting an eye, he volunteered to come over, freely lend a hand and just charge my mom for the purchase of the faucets. I told her, but she has declined, choosing to wait on my brother.

I also think my mom doesn’t want my help, because for 60 years she relied on my dad who was not only an engineer and a handyman but also a carpenter. I think she needs to rely on the voice of a male because she hasn’t learned to depend nor trust her instincts to get the job done. Plus, I think it is easier to ‘rely’ on someone to make decisions in determining a fix. In doing so, one doesn’t have to deal with the headache of searching for the right person who will  correctly complete the job. (Which is why, after my divorce, I chose to rent rather than own. Maintenance is just a phone call away when something breaks and no extra charges for fixes.)

I know relying on one’s self takes practice. Geez, I have been doing it for 5 years and I am still learning the ropes. In my mom’s case, even though I get irritated when she reverts to your brother will take care of it, I sort of understand why his voice takes precedence over mine. Notice I said ‘sort of.’ I don’t fully understand because she relies on me for everything else. And I haven’t led her wrong yet. At least not that she has made me aware of. I know some of it is jealousy as well. My mom knows I am smart, can figure out things, am willing to call her insurance company to get her battery started and find someone to make repairs. But it is that DAMN male voice she still needs. And at times, it is sooooooo frustrating! Only because I would have had everything  fixed a long time ago if she had only trusted the solutions I presented to her.

Writing this has helped alleviate a bit more bitterness. In addition, it has made me realize, in depending on the male voice, it is highly likely my mom doesn’t trust my voice. DAMN revelations!!!

Gosh, how I HATE BEING AN ADULT!! At least, at times, like when the bills are due, filing taxes, working in the summer or in inclement weather or when I have to decide what to eat for dinner. (At least, now that my youngest is back home till he finds a job in Cali.)

However, I do not hate the revelations. No matter how long it takes, they help to sort out the whys and the how comes. They have definitely contributed to making me a better well rounded person. I am thankful to have the knowledge my revelations reveal. It has saved me a lot of money in therapy fees and given me a chance to become the person I always craved to be.


P. S. I don’t always hate being an adult. Look for a future post why I love being an adult.