A couple of days ago, storms were brewing with excessive heat. Today, the weather is calm with cool breezes and sunshine.
Reminds me of life.
In the last few weeks, since my brother told me to ‘fuck off’, I have realized the many ways my feelings about him and my sister have been validated. I admit it has been EXTREMELY hard to accept the ones I believed I could depend on are not the ones who have been there. And continue not to be there.
Then, this morning, I was going through the missed calls log on my home phone. I found one from my sister’s number from May 30. I panicked then a tinge of concern rolled in then my senses took over as I realized there was no message left.
Hard as it is to admit, I still care for both my siblings. However the reality is and has been for years, a very one sided relationship. The words from my eldest constantly echo in my ears, “they’ve been like that for years, why do you think they would change now?”
I know my perceptions and expectations of what a family is should not cloud a relationship with my siblings. Yet the words of my sister friend, whom I have had several heart to heart conversations with, also echos, “we have a sense of what family is.” She also reminds me, on a daily basis, even though I voice I am through with any and all dealings with my siblings, the turmoil of accepting what is and what I desire is still boiling right below the surface.
Yes it is my choice to care for my mom. Yes in doing so I am putting my life on hold. Maybe I should be selfish. Maybe I should put myself first. Maybe I should date and go on vacations for a month and state how busy I am or how tired I am from working long hours or how I don’t have time.
Reality? I can’t. That’s not to say I don’t take time for myself. I do. But I am not the kind of person who believes in letting those people I love to drown in the sorrows of life. It’s not a payback because they have been there for me when I wasn’t able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel it is a natural thing that is done because that is what family members do.
Thankfully, I have never been alone in any part of whatever journey my life has been on. And God has put people in my life to help guide, support and love me not only through the storms but also through the sunshine.
I don’t know if the relationship with my siblings will ever mend. As time goes on the door keeps getting closer to being shut. I do know I am not alone. For that I am grateful.
Going forward I hope to reconcile with the anger and resentment I feel towards my siblings and replace them with the love I have been honored with from my family of friends. I also hope to fully accept the situation so I can continue to provide my mom with the loving care she deserves. The process is slow, to be sure. But I know if I follow my dad’s advice in taking one day at a time, everything will work out in the end. Time heals all hearts but sometimes having the right people in your life at the right time does so much more.