Yesterday, a meeting was scheduled for the department I am in. As I sat listening, I couldn’t figure out why I was there. It was a discussion about something I know nothing about. As a result, any ideas I had were non existent. When my boss asked me what i thought, I answered, I have nothing to say.
Now, I did have plenty to say. However, as in the past, I knew chiming in of my thoughts was not going to make a difference. I choose to silently disagree as I knew the ‘team’ would go ahead with whatever they wanted anyway.
I love my position. I love interacting with people and hearing their stories. I love knowing I have a job to go to everyday. And I realize no job is perfect. As a result, I am gradually coming to accept, unless I get another job or go to another department within the company I am at, I will never be part of the ‘team.’
Part of it is I am done trying and have no gumption to participate in anything going on unless it is on a need to know basis where it affects my daily responsibilities. Definitely, my problem and not theirs. Being 52, one would think I would be beyond needing acceptance and being part of a group. Which I am, to a certain extent. I don’t need to be part of a pack to feel worthy or boost my self esteem. I know there are other people at work who I relate with in a much more live changing way that is meaningful. Regardless, it would be nice, once in a while, if I knew what was going on before meetings took place. Maybe then I would be able to form a constructive comment or two. It would also be nice if they could contain their eye rolling and judgmental looks between each other when I open my mouth.
And another part of it is, I have not felt part of the ‘team’ since the day I started. I guess when my new boss began, I figured things would change drastically. And they did. She included me on the meetings, lunch and dinner gatherings but then slowly, things shifted. Now I am not sure if it is due to the fact that she has become extremely busy but I noticed when asked about my opinion and I gave it, it was no longer taken into consideration. She began doing what she wanted. I thought it was just me. However, another colleague, in a different department, made mention of it. I also noticed when there are offsite happenings related to work, her and the other gals attend and I get a reminder call about it, ‘just in case anyone within the company is inquiring about their whereabouts.’ The most recent time that happened, I thought ‘REALLY?!?!?!’ I have even pondered talking with my boss about how I feel. I should I know. Yet, I am not sure if that will make things worse.
I realize people aren’t usually snarky, sarcastic, or exclusionary on purpose. After all, being human means none of us are perfect. I know I am DEFINITELY not!!!! And, I certainly attest to having days where I am not the nicest person to be around. And the way I am feeling really shouldn’t affect me the way it has. So why am I letting it?
Good question. I need some time to think on that. Stayed tuned in the next couple of days. I know the answer will hit me upside the head with a revelation. It always does if I just give it some time. Then once I figure it out, I will return for the big reveal.