This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed with a HUGE bug up my butt and a GIGANTIC chip on my shoulder. Normally, I don’t wake up to all three of these despicable mes. If they come at all, it is usually one at a time. As a result, I can shake them off by the time I get to work. Thus, my normal optimistic self can shine through. However, not today. I was in a funk, grumbly and just wanted to SSSCCCRRREEAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven’t felt like this since I was married. (Which, if you follow this blog, know I have since divorced.)
I tried to figure out why I felt so down in the dumps. My thoughts veered towards dealings with some folks at work and some other happenings that occurred today, but I knew that wasn’t it. Driving home, I got punched, HARD, with a revelation of why. Let me rewind a bit to catch you up to speed….
In May, of this year, my oldest son, once again got ‘hurt’ at his job. I told him he had till September 1st to move out. Eight hours later, he was gone. Let me rewind a bit more. My oldest son is 27 years old. He has a chronic problem of finding a job, working for 3 months, then getting ‘hurt.’ I put hurt in quotes, as he really is not hurt. Ultimately, he milks his injury for three or four days, then bounces right back, gallivanting around with his friends at the bar.I think he injures himself with an injury that he knows will be temporary for the following reasons:
- In 8th grade, he was diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this I believe he can do whatever he puts his mind to. I have witnessed it. But, I also believe he uses this as an excuse when things get tough.
- He is scared shitless when the job he is performing comes with more responsibility. So instead of trying it out, he just quits. That way he won’t ever fail.
- He hangs around people who spew tons of negativity and have no gumption to get off their asses and make themselves a life. Last year, he brought over a ‘friend’ of his. This person told me the story of his life, detailing why he has been homeless for 5 years. He actually had the gall to blame his parents for not teaching him responsibility. He also told me he takes no shit from anyone, even if the person is his boss. This person is 22 years old!!!!! Yeah, and he is still, as far as I know, living on the street, with no job.
- My son has a low self esteem. Partly due to his dyslexia but I also think due to the fact he is a player. Meaning? Instead of accepting his life as is, facing his struggles and believing in himself, he lives in a fantasy world. How do I know? Because I have caught him, several times, in lies. Not only have these lies been about people he allows in his life but also his so called injuries. The last job he got let go of, he told me the doctor told him he had a heart condition. Really!?!?!? Yet, my son continued to smoke, drink and run around like nothing was wrong.
- I think my son is a hypochondriac because he gets attention from the girls he hangs with. They baby him, pay for his food, smother him with affection, etc. Interesting, though, he hops from one gal to the next.
Yes, these are my beliefs. I have had several conversations with my son concerning his so called ‘friends,’ his chronic injury behavior and the way he goes from girl to girl. Alas, to no avail as he gets with the program for a while and then he ends up falling off the deep end into no man’s land.
So…to make the story longer…on the way home, the revelation was…last night I dreamed my son actually came home. That was it. That was the reason.
You see, as a mom it was an EXTREMELY heart breaking decision to tell my son he needed to get out of my home. Never did I think he would leave so abruptly. For a while, I blamed myself. Maybe I should have suggested counseling. Maybe I should have sucked it up and because of my love for him, let him stick around so he could figure out whatever he needed to get his life back on track. Maybe I was to blame for the years, in my marriage, I took out my frustrations on him by yelling at him for no reason with put downs. (I did the same to his brother as well.) Yeah, thinking about those days put a HEAVY guilt trip on my heart. Since then, I have profusely apologized but actions cannot be taken back. So, maybe I should have just let him be.
Yet, once I got over the guilt, the shame and the heart break, I realized allowing him to continue to live with me would just enable him. Plus, between the ages of 18 – 23, he frequently took off. Except back then, I would get in my car and search for him. I believe, with my whole heart and soul, giving him a deadline was the right thing to do. I did not kick him out or tell him he had to immediately leave. He made that choice. And like the other choices he has made, he has to live with the consequences. Whether that means he is living on the street, bunking with a friend or living in his car.
I do pray for him. I pray for his safety. I pray he matures. I pray for God to take care of him. I pray a lot for him.
Nevertheless, I know I could not continue supporting him. Especially after this latest injury. I had so much resentment and anger towards my son, I knew there were no more ultimatums except telling him a deadline of when I wanted him out.
Despite knowing I did the right thing and he choose to leave when he did, I still fight through those moments of panic and worry about him. I have a friend, at work, who I have shared quite intimate details about this situation. And she has calmed me, when the storm rages, by reminding me I did the right thing.
For now, God has watch over my son.
For now, God has watch over me as well.
For now, God is there for both of us.
Please, if you will, add my son to your prayers. His name is Chris. I know he believes in God. I pray his faith will get him through. And, I hope, someday we will have a healthy relationship.