Since I began my current job, I have never felt like part of the team. Course, I have never been a follower. And at my current age, I have grown out of needing to ‘hang’ with others just to feel good. Yet, it still hurts being excluded. You know there are days I am perfectly okay living to the beat of my drum and other days…well, those teenage years, full of emotion, come flooding back.
I have tried to ‘get’ the other women in the department. I have tried having an open mind and heart towards them. Despite knowing I am being blatantly excluded, I have tried, figuring each day is a new one to begin again. Interestingly, when I first started, my gut put the brakes on with all the women. And still I tried. Well, today, I am done trying.
Right before a meeting, two of the women made snide remarks to me. I really had to bite my tongue as I wanted to retort by calling them both a bitch. I realized I have no more respect for any of them and want nothing to do with them anymore. Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s my intolerance. Maybe it’s because I should have trusted my gut from the beginning.
So, I will put on my Oscar winning face, push through each day and try my best to avoid them at all costs. What I find most discouraging about this is a couple of weeks ago, my boss was ranting out loud about an employee, from another department who brought a concern to my attention. This employee I also consider a friend. Yes, she has her moments but I have also seen the side of her that is compassionate and kind. And, I know despite it all, she has a big heart and is not out to hurt anyone. I was shocked by my bosses behavior especially when she started defending the women in our department. I REALLY had to keep my mouth shut as there was so much I wanted to spew!!!
I have learned there will be those who live according to their agendas. I have learned there are those who only wish to associate with the people in their group. I have learned being different is way better than being part of a click. And I have learned the time is probably right to move on.
In the meantime, I will be grateful for those people who accept me. Because I know, in the end, karma is a bitch and she will bite back.