Today I turned 52. For Christmas, I received some money from my parents. (My parents called tonight to wish me a Happy Birthday and said my card was on it’s way.) For my birthday, I received some coupons from Kohl’s. So in anticipation of today, I have searched the Kohl’s website looking for something to treat myself.
At one point, I even had a wish list going but deleted it and started over. I have not found anything, coming to the realization tonight why I have been so indecisive. It is because I have everything I ever need or want. I have a home, rented though it may be, with a solid roof and four solid walls. This home is filled with a never ending aroma of peace, especially seen in the three wall decals spread throughout.
The first decal is in my living area. It was something I needed as I had just triumphed through a divorce, of which today marks my 2 year anniversary of living happily single! The quote is
Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.
The second wall decal I purchased last year. This one is positioned on the wall right by my entrance so I can read it everyday when I leave. This one reads
Pray about everything. Worry about nothing.
The last decal is one I purchased recently. This one is set by the side of the bed so I can see it every night before retiring and every morning when rising. This one says
Life is a journey and only you hold the map.
All three decals have been mini prayers to help me get to where I am today, content. You see I have less than what I had when married, at least material wise. I lived in a ranch style house, sitting on two acres with a pond. I realize though it was never really a home, but a house of upheaval, fights, frustration, pain, and broken heartedness. Even though I was ‘married’ I realize the last 10 years or so of the relationship, I was the loneliest I have ever been. And, I allowed myself to sink in to an introverted oblivion, where I totally shut down, not wanting to talk nor listen but just escape. Yet the fear was so great I was not able to move. Until one day, I got so angry, causing fear to totally vanish, that I immediately stepped out, sought a lawyer and made a decision to move on. My lawyer even said to me he knew the first day I walked in his office, I wasn’t there for a consult, I was there to file.
Now, I am not advocating divorce. Believe me, no matter how unhappy and distraught I was in my marriage, divorce did leave some scars, especially since my ex did not want to divorce so he had a tendency to drag his feet instead of facing the reality that our marriage was done.
However, despite the fact I was raised to be a ‘good’ Catholic girl believing I would stay married no matter what, I now believe no one should stay in a relationship full of suffering, for the sake of children or because of some religious ‘law.’ I can honestly say if I would have stayed, I would not be the person I am today, gregarious, fun, out going, definitely extroverted and extremely happy. Regardless, of what others thought or advice they gave, I knew deep in the bowels of my heart, I needed to get out because staying would have damaged my soul and spirit so bad I would not have been able to fix them.
Today I can look back and remember the pain, the triumph, the peace and the contentment. All gifts when opened taught me some of the most important things about life…
I am enough.
I have enough.
I am strong.
I have God, Jesus and my family.
And I am blessed beyond anything I ever hoped for.
So, today I celebrated 52 years and 2 years by relaxing, reflecting, and realizing how wonderful this life I have really is.
I hope this year, as you celebrate your birthday, you have peace and contentment and you remember the hurdles and give yourself kudos for jumping over every one, not giving up and being brave enough to face fear head on to live your life as you want.