In the office, where I work, the hallways are lined with banners about the company I work for. Today, as I was moseying around, I saw two phrases which inspired this post…
Look Inside. World of Possibilities.
The last few days I have been in a funk. A funk where I am having an inner pity party, playing the ‘what if’ game, getting flooded with doubt after doubt after doubt, tearing up about nothing and basically wanting to spend my entire day in bed with the blankets over my head. Usually I am upbeat, self coaching myself to optimistic oblivion and happy go lucky. So why the sudden doom and gloom? Part of it is change of life, particularly the man, now living in my body who loves to pause every now and then. And a big portion of it is financial angst over paying my son’s out of state tuition. He filed for financial aid but due to some personal circumstances and indecision, he did it at the beginning of September, instead of during the summer. As a result, his application is still being processed so we don’t know yet how much aid he will receive. As he scrambled, I wanted to be so MAD at him because I offered, during the summer, to fill out the forms and get it submitted. But he insisted I wait till he made up his mind.
And that is the main reason I am in a funk. I believe, as a parent, I did the right thing. I did not pressure him nor did I whine about it nor did I insist. He is 20 after all, smart as a whip and knows a hell of a lot of stuff. Wait A MINUTE!!! As I write this, I realize the REAL reason I am feeling the way I am. Because I want to scream a flood of accusations at him! I don’t want to be understanding! I don’t want to be supportive! I don’t want to help him figure it out when he had PLENTY of time and he CHOOSE NOT TO DO WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another reason for my angst? (My apologies for being a definite Debbie Downer but I find putting words to the page helps ALOT in releasing negativity, worry, frustration and all other kinds of surly emotions…so…onward I write.) If I was in college, I would have gotten right on the bandwagon submitting every form I could to get as much aid as I could soooooo when school started, I would know exactly what funds were available to work with and if I needed to get a student loan.
However, that is me, not him. That is my perception, not his. He is in college, not me. And going to the dark side, screaming ugly thoughts and vomiting emotions at him will definitely not help the situation. (Lessons learned within the last couple of years.)
During his sophomore year, his world was rocked up and down all over the place. He was slammed hard so many times with disappointment, doubt and despair, it is hard for me not to be understanding. Yes, I admit it, being his mom plays a HUGE role as well. (Writing also helps to reveal truth that may be lying dormant because we don’t want to face the realness of who we are.)
This past weekend, he was home. He made mention of the things he pulled through as well as the things he is currently dealing with. Some are good, some are still filled with briars and thorns. However, he also voiced the following, ‘Mom, most people would quit, but I haven’t.’ There is not one truer statement I could think of in living out loud the adage of looking inside and finding a world of possibilities.
So, why am I in a funk? Hell if I know. My son has displayed perseverance, stamina, will power, integrity and living life on his terms. Maybe he was born that way. Or maybe, just maybe he learned it from me.
As for the money, I believe, somehow, someway it will all work out. It’s time to bid farewell to the funk and look inside me to see the world of possibilities and find a way to make them reality, just like my son.