Before my divorce, my biggest fear was the financial repercussions of how I would be able to support myself and my kids. Despite the fact I am doing great, according to my tax person, the fear of being financially secure sometimes rears it’s head, causing me to fear the future. On one salary, there have been many times when I have felt I am getting ahead, then life throws a curve and BANG! I am taking three steps back. It is only through the grace of God I am where I am today. (Well, I suppose I have to give myself a wee bit of recognition as I followed my heart in acquiring another job which has offered me a much better opportunity.) Every month the bills do get paid, some I am able to pay more on but I often feel as if I am living pay check to pay check. And if a major catastrophe hit, I do not have money saved but would have to delve into my 401K savings. I know I am like others, in the same situation or worse, living in the world today. But coming from a relationship where all of the bills were paid in full every month has definitely caused some angst in my life knowing I have debt that is incurring interest charges and that is going to take time to pay off. Mind you, this is not a complaint as I was the one who filed for divorce so I take full responsibility for the situation I am in now. A good divorce lawyer will cost you some dough, but a great divorce lawyer, one of which I had, will cost you a loaf of bread and more! As I said, I am not complaining, just stating the facts.
So how do I stay ever optimistic and sleep every night? Let me back up for a just a moment…the biggest lesson I have learned during my journey these last couple of years, actually last 11 years, is to give it up and let God. I pray ALOT!!! I pray so much I jokingly say if I ever get to heaven, God will tell me I can dance. I can sing. I can shout. I can even laugh out loud. BUT…I better not talk!!! I am not one to believe that God hands me money, niceties on a silver platter or makes everything turn out in my life because I am special. Far from that notion!! However, I am a firm believer in letting go and letting Him take control. I am a firm believer in not praying for what I need but praying to accept His will, His timing and His way. I have also learned to trust my gut, my intuition, what I call God whispering. Now, that does not always mean the path I choose is happy go lucky or without pits, or potholes. You see, that is a human’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t dilemma, having the power to choose. Bringing me right back to the biggest lesson I have learned…when I try to push what I want, when I want it, how I want it, I have found, through numerous experiences, that things rarely work out. Instead I am stressing, worrying, complaining, and becoming so focused on the one thing I am seeking, I can’t or won’t move from out of the box I have surrounded myself with. And believe me, this box is not fashioned from cardboard but heavy metal. It is sort of like a coffin, airtight, firmly sealed and keeping me shut out from hope. It is not a pleasant place to be.
Yet, this box, this temporary death sentence cannot keep my faith locked down. As a young child, I had a knack, no matter what, of getting back up, fighting through and coming out the other side. That is not to say I was not unscarred, not traumatized or not overcome by despair and grief. I was all these. Except, I instinctively knew I would find a way. And even back then, as a young girl, I was beginning my journey experiencing God’s hand, His blessings, and His will.
‘For I know the plans I have for you.’ declares the Lord.
‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you
Some will label me ‘crazy’ or ‘silly’ or even ‘stupid’ for believing my life is being orchestrated by God. Nevertheless, despite what others think-which I don’t give much thought to anymore anyway, my finances, my singlehood, life’s challenges…I know, I am a witness, I firmly believe with my heart and my spirit, God and Jesus are in my life for a reason. That is why I am unequivocally optimistic, sleep well, look forward to the future and will not allow fear or doubt or obstacles to encase me and hold me captive for long.
I am still a work in progress and far from ever being perfect. I still encounter challenges, still try my things my way, still learning the lesson to give it up and let God. But I know I am never alone, I am always loved and I can do all things through Christ who strengths me. Phillippians 4:13. And for that I am most grateful. Because without Him, I would not be the person I am or where I am today.