A few years back, on Mother’s Day, my family took me to the most fabulous, most divine, most extravagant buffet ever!!! Oh my gosh!!! They had everything!!!!
They had an omelet station, prime rib, ham, salads of every color and shade, shrimp spilling over the shaved ice it was on, waffles, sausage, champagne, orange juice, pop of all kinds and the piece de resistance…never ending delectable desserts. Oh my! And, because my eyes were sooooooooooooooo much bigger than my stomach, I feasted and feasted and feasted and feasted. I feasted so much I thought the buttons on my dress would pop! I feasted so hard I could barely breath. I feasted so bad, when I was through, I felt like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka…you remember, the girl who ate the gum which tasted of a four course dinner, then she blew up like a giant sized blueberry!!! Yes, that was me. Filled to the gills. Happy to have dined. Until…
I got in the car, buckled my seatbelt, felt my stomach do an abrupt somersault and realized I had to go to the bathroom BAD!!!! Yet, I was in so much pain, I couldn’t move. I remember my ex yelling, ‘Get out of the car and just go back in the restaurant!!!’ But I was so bogged down with what I ate, I was afraid to move for fear of exploding! So I said, in between some deep breathes, ‘Just go home. I am fine.’ As I adjusted my position to alleviate my stomach ache, the unthinkable happened. The most frightening part was I knew I could not stop it, no matter how hard I tried. Due to my indulgent and gluttonous ways, I ended up expelling 99% of what I had dined on, ruining not only my outfit, but also causing a rather unpleasant odor throughout the car which ended up seeping through to the seats. Yes, I did it. As a grown adult, I could not control my sphincter muscle, thus I ended up pooping in my pants. Oh, the shame and humiliation I felt. Not only because I caused it but also because my ex made some comments that added to the sh** I had expelled. And all, the way home, as it was his car I had stained, he kept on and on. Needless to say, by the time I was able to maneuver out of the car, to clean up the mess I had made, I felt worthless, belittled to a child again and ready to crawl into a hole.
Now, you may ask yourself, why the hell is she telling us this disgusting story and then encouraging us to join her at the buffet? Well my friends, let me explain…
There are times when a person gorges themselves, on food, on material items, you name it, to feel good, even for a moment. But moments eventually pass, leaving a person with things they may not want to face, like fear of change or moving on from a relationship or fixing issues within oneself.
It is not easy to write about my experience above. I mean what adult wants to admit, in front of the whole wide world, they shat their pants?!?!? However, I am writing it to release one of the most embarrassing and shameful moments of my life. Let me tell you how much lighter my shoulders, my heart and my spirit are due to the weight that has fallen, shattering into pieces.
You see, I have lived through the fear. I have walked away from a relationship of 27+ years. I have crossed the threshold of permanently finding out what, about myself I detest, and instead of covering it with a band aid, I am permanently healing myself by
- sharing the most vulnerable parts of my life OUT LOUD!!!
- accepting myself for who I was and who I am.
- loving myself and all my flaws.
- growing into the me that was dying to get out a few years back.
- forgiving myself for all the sh*t I put upon myself and allowed from others.
I no longer eat at buffets loaded with food as I definitely learned my lesson. But, I do sit down, everyday and enjoy the buffet life offers. It is so much more glorious. And when my day gets covered with sh*t, all I need to do is look up at the sunrise or sunset or notice the wind blowing in the trees and Thank God for giving me one more day. For I realize, now, filth is temporary. After all as humans, we all get dirty some time in our lives, some more than others. Yet, all we need is a bit of soap and a splash of water to clean up the outside. Then we need to take a good long look in the mirror to remind ourselves how worthy, how loved, and how wonderful we really are. After that, we need to get in our most comfortable clothes, whether it is jeans, sweats, or jammies and come together to grasp each other’s hands, and sit down at the table so we can support each other at the beautiful buffet life has laid before us.
Come…join me today, right now. My hand is waiting for yours. My arms are wide open to hold you close. And I promise, no matter what sh*t you have endured or expelled, it is all forgiven. You will be accepted as you are. And if you are covered with filth, it won’t matter. You will still be loved.