Greatest Gift…To Soar

So here it is…I have restlessly slept, been rather perturbed, even disappointed since the ‘announcement’ my oldest son made Friday night. But let me back up. Since turning 18, this child, now an adult, at least in age, has been living what I perceive as a rollercoaster life. It seems as if once things are going well, as in he has a steady job with full time hours and wages that exceed minimum wage, he either quits or gets ‘let go’, the words he uses to describe the reason he is no longer employed, not only at his current job but at previous jobs. He is also someone who jumps from one relationship to another without breathing in between. Which drives me friggin nuts!!!! Why? Because in no time at all, after meeting a girl, he ‘falls in love’ becoming extremely serious about the relationship, not giving it a chance to develop. Course, this is coming from someone, who dated a guy exclusively for four years, married and then divorced after almost 27 years of marriage. I mean really what advice could I offer?!?!?!

Anyway, back to Friday and the announcement. My son, after he told me I better sit down, and in front of his ‘current’ girlfriend of which I believe he has been dating less than six months, and of which I just met, declared they are now engaged. First thought I had? ‘Well, thank GOD she is NOT pregnant!!!’ Second thought? ‘OMG!!! WHAT THE F**CK ARE YOU THINKING?’ Luckily, neither thought escaped to my lips. Instead, I calmly stood, offered my congratulations and hugged both of them. Then I was shown the ring. I have to say my son did a great job picking it out. It is quite gorgeous. However, once again, my thoughts were rumbling as I internally went ballistic silently thinking, ‘SON!!! You have a car insurance payment you let lapse, telling me you didn’t know how you were going to pay it!! You have a phone bill that is due!!! And, you have debt up the wazoo you keep telling me you can’t pay!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ How I so wanted to smack him up side the head REALLY hard to knock some sense into his noggin!!! But, the happy couple had no idea, as they blissfully looked into each other’s eyes, letting me in on their plans for the future.

Okay, just give me a moment here please. I need to interrupt this pleasant scene of love, romance and happiness, by saying how cathartic it is to spill my guts. Oh how I have wanted to get ALL of the stuff out and off of my chest IN A BIG WAY!!!! And now back to our regular program…

The plans my son and his fiancée have? Well, they have decided to wait two years before they marry. Yes, another thought rushes to my mind…if they are waiting, why the rush to put a ring on it?!?! Maybe because she has three kids. Or maybe because she is 6 years older. Or maybe because they are currently living with her aunt. I really have no clue. They didn’t seem to either.

I do agree with waiting two years. At least, by then, maybe my son will have a better paying job with benefits enabling him to support this ‘ready made’ family. Plus, it will give them a chance to really get to know each other. I just hope, in the interim, they are using some form of control…either self or a preventive so as to avoid an accidental child from ‘popping’ up. (Already been there done that but the girl my son supposingly got pregnant told him, the kid wasn’t his after all. I kind of suspected that after she, her mother and the mother’s friend insisted my son not go on the birth certificate but that is a story for another time.)

And, to make things even more jolly, my son finally admitted to my face, he was moving out. I am okay with that as I know he has been wanting to do so for a long time. I just hope this ‘engagement’ is not the way he thinks of as fulfilling his wish of being on his own. I have offered him advice, several times, on ways he can achieve this goal but he has yet to heed it. And, maybe this girl woman will be just what he needs to becoming more responsible, more insightful of his potential and more centered in his life. Time will only tell.

Writing this has helped a lot. For now, there is nothing I can do, except love, accept the situation and accept my son for who he is and just let him be. The shock of it all is slowly wearing off as I realize my perceptions don’t mean a damn thing because it is not my life, it is my son’s. Life goes on, once again reinforcing the lessons of acceptance, non-judgment, unconditional love and letting go. No one ever said being a parent would be easy, especially as my sons are both scratching, clawing, climbing and finding their path, on their terms and on their own. Oh, how I love to see them fly, yet witnessing them crash and burn, with no interference, is definitely the hardest of all. But, it should not be any other way. And, I wouldn’t wish for it to be otherwise.



One thought on “Greatest Gift…To Soar

  1. Isn’t writing wonderful at times like this. Without speaking a word, you have shared and processed your son’s announcement, exactly how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. I need to go back to journaling in order to put sense in my life.

    I’m praying for you, your son and his fiance. Like you said, that’s the best thing we can do.

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