Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Yes, a famous Elvis rendition. Interestingly, as a married woman, I was lonesome. Yet, how could that be? I think it…no I know it was because I felt it was me against my ex, especially the last 10 years or so of the union. I felt held back, from life, from being authentic, from moving on in my career, and rejected by the person who I thought loved me. His actions spoke WAY louder than his words, because he was not able to hold a conversation for long, especially one filled with emotion. I believe it was embarrassing for him to feel the soul of his heart. I believe he never learned compassion or unconditional love. I know his mom and his dad rejected him several times. And not only them, but other family members as well. Whenever, a visit was made, it always escalated into an argument of some kind. I don’t remember much of anyone, from his family, ever having a heart to heart conversation, unless gossip was involved, then the dirt would literally fly. His mom had a knack for spreading news, pitting sibs against each other. I never could understand how a person could be so cruel to her own flesh and blood. Not having to deal with her antics anymore was a gift given to me when I divorced.

So, am I lonesome? No. I have always been somewhat of a loner anyway, having no problem enjoying time with me, myself and I. Especially the last year, as I have turned my home into one of peace and tranquility, a sanctuary, a retreat, a bit of heaven on earth. The most drama I currently have is when I come home and my female kitty is exercising her vocal cords in protest for some food.

I wish I would have had the guts to get out of my marriage when my boys were younger. But fear of finances, surviving on my own, court, breaking up the family, being alone scared the sh*t out of me. Though I feel my boys would have been better off if I could have left and provided them a much more stable environment than they had in the years I stayed. The plus side was they were old enough, had witnessed and experienced their share of crap and understood why I choose to leave.

And now, my ex is continuing the legacy of his family by rejecting, playing mind games and arguing with his sons. Sad, but neither of my boys has much communication with their father, only when it is necessary. As the divorce was being processed my ex told me he was lonely.  I probably shouldn’t have said it, but my mouth was too fast for my brain to shut it and I replied, “I’m not.”

And one year later, I am content, at peace with my decision, and more importantly, happy to be me.



One thought on “Are You Lonesome Tonight?

  1. Bravo, my friend. If I was in your shoes, I think I would have said “I’m not” just as you did. It was an honest and appropriate response to his admission.

    I’m continually thrilled that you’ve come out of this difficult experience with peace and a better life.

    Happy Wednesday to you.

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